Dear Harlan,
I’m a 20-year-old female who has been in a relationship for about two years. At first, I thought I really liked this guy. Then, he just got annoying. So I’ve been trying to break up with him for months now, but every time he says he’s going to commit suicide. But it gets worse. He abuses me. Every day when I get home, he tells me to get in the kitchen because that’s where I belong. If I don’t listen to him, he hits me. I have bruises all over. I have to lie about where I got them. What should I do?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Forget him. Take care of yourself. Run. You don’t belong in that kitchen and you don’t belong in that house. You have options. Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org, 1-800-799-SAFE) and put together a plan. Figure out where you can go and how to get out. As for his mental health, his suicide threats could be more about manipulating you than hurting himself. When you leave him, include a note that says: “Do not call me. Contact a suicide hotline or call 911 for help.” Be prepared to move out of the state and out of his world. It’s not fair, but you need to be prepared to do anything and everything. Make this the day you start a new life and promise to never let anyone hurt you again. The first time it happens will always be the last time. Now run.
Dear Harlan,
I’m going to college in a few weeks, and I opted to live on campus. On the housing application, I had listed my first choice as a double room, second as a split double and third as a single. I never thought in a million years I would get a single room because they are normally saved for upperclassmen. All along, I was expecting a roommate and was shocked to see I got this single. Do you have any tips for students like me who are assigned single rooms? I actually think it will be a good transition for me into college life. Eventually, I’d like to live in a double or triple room.
Living Solo
Dear Living Solo,
And all this time you were thinking you couldn’t expel gas in your room for the next 16 weeks (that’s only polite). While it’s nice to live on your own, there’s something to be said for eating, sleeping and showering with a complete stranger (you don’t actually shower in the same stall, in most cases). Here’s the bigger risk – no one is going to force you to get out of your room or meet people. It can get very comfortable and way too easy to close your door and not come out. Think of your room as a place people with bad roommates can hang out. Make it a social hub. Keep your door open. Only hang out inside if you’re with someone. Eat outside your room. Study outside your room. Make friends outside your room. Force yourself to get involved in three difference clubs, activities or organizations. Make one the residence hall government. Make it a rule that you only close your door when you’re sleeping, hanging with friends, naked, talking on the phone, on a date or expelling gas. Let me know how this goes.
Harlan is the author of “The Happiest Kid On Campus: A Parent’s Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for You and Your Child)” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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