Dear Harlan,
My boyfriend has told me that should I ever get pregnant and he’s responsible for the pregnancy, he will not father my children – meaning he will not be part of the child’s life. We’ve been sexually active and continue to be. I love being with him, but I’m just not sure when and if this will be a problem. Any tips?
Not Sure
Dear Not Sure,
Use a lot of birth control. Male condoms, female condoms, pills, spermicidal jelly and anything else you can get your hands on; because if you get pregnant, this boyfriend will be done with you before the pregnancy test dries. As for the tips: If being a single mom or having an abortion isn’t something you’ve contemplated, then this is something you’ll need to consider before jumping back into bed with him. It sounds to me like you’re not all that comfortable with this arrangement, yet you continue to have sex with him. This tells me you might be dating the wrong guy. The idea that he’s fine having sex with you but not willing to be responsible for his actions and is so willing to leave you on your own can’t be much of a turn-on. If you’re not OK with this situation, don’t convince yourself that you are. Instead, talk to him and explain why this makes you uncomfortable. Then see what he has to say about all this. One more thing: Should he get you pregnant, let him know having a child means being a father. He doesn’t have a choice. Being a good father, well, that’s the part he gets to determine.
Dear Harlan,
How long should I wait to text or call a girl? I know that some women like a guy to wait so he doesn’t look desperate. I got a girl’s number at a bar and don’t know how soon is too soon. What’s the rule?
Waiting
Dear Waiting,
If you’re asking, you’ve waited too long. It’s not how long you wait, but how you respond that matters. If you know you’re an attractive guy whom any woman would be lucky to date, your timing won’t be an issue. Don’t worry about impressing her. Focus on whether you like her rather than if she likes you. Shifting your point of view will help you relax and spend less time worrying about what she’s thinking. Be honest. Be yourself. Don’t be afraid of letting her know that you’re interested. If she’s not going to date you because you texted her 15 minutes too soon, it was doomed before it started.
Dear Harlan,
Should I talk to my ex when she texts and tells me she’s mad at her current boyfriend? I’m not sure why she thinks that I’m interested in her problems. I don’t want to be the one to console her when she’s unhappy with him. Please help.
Text Ex
Dear Text Ex,
Are you kidding me? Not listening to this drama is one of the perks of your new job. You’re the ex. This is no longer part of your job description. Establish firm boundaries immediately or set yourself up to be her love confidant in the future. Kindly tell her that you’re not comfortable being her go-to guy to talk about her current boyfriend problems. If she wants to talk to you about her relationship issues, she can date you.
Harlan is the author of “The Happiest Kid On Campus: A Parent’s Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for You and Your Child)” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan! 2506 N. Clark St., Ste. 223, Chicago, IL 60614.
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