Dear Harlan,
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We started dating in high school and he’s in his first year of college, while I’m wrapping up school to move on to university. He’s struggled with depression for years, and consistently comes to me for consolation. During the past three weeks, pressure from his family has put him over the edge. He hasn’t spoken to me properly since our anniversary (three weeks ago) and has been hanging out with an apparently platonic female friend a lot. She’s cutting his hair and taking him to parties, while he won’t say a word to me. I love him, and he keeps me on an even keel; usually I keep him happy, or at least he swears I do. All he’s said during the past few weeks is that he thinks we could work out when he clears up, but how long should I put up with this? I don’t know what to do and I feel a little thrown away. What should I do?
Cut Out
Dear Cut Out,
Learn how to cut hair?
Even better, appreciate that you are one of the kindest, loving and most compassionate girlfriends in the world. Any guy would be lucky to have you. Your boyfriend doesn’t need a girlfriend; he needs a therapist or a psychiatrist. And what you need is to listen to your instincts. If you have reservations about this relationship, now is the time to act. Right now, you’re no longer responsible for his feelings. Not that you were ever really responsible, but you clearly assumed responsibility. Do what your heart is telling you to do. Don’t make excuses for inexcusable behavior. I don’t need to say it — you already know.
Dear Harlan,
Do you think living together before marriage is a good idea? My girlfriend and I are thinking about moving in together. I don’t know if we’re setting ourselves up for problems in the future. What’s your take?
Moving
Dear Moving,
Statistically it’s a bad idea to live together if you’re not married. There’s a greater chance of splitting up. Here’s my take — living with a roommate can naturally be uncomfortable at times. When you’re not married, it’s easier to move out when things get too uncomfortable. Leaving the relationship is called breaking up. When you’re married it’s called a divorce. People don’t want to get divorced. Therefore, they try harder to work out problems. In conclusion: you have a better chance of living happily ever after if you decide to live together after getting married.
Dear Harlan,
Do you think you should be friends first before getting into a relationship with a person? If so, how long should you be friends? I don’t want to end up in the friend zone. I hate the friend zone.
Seeking
Dear Seeking,
If you work closely with someone, it’s a good idea to be friends first. If you want to date someone who’s already in a relationship, it’s a good idea to be friends first. If you take a while for people to get to know you, it’s a good idea to be friends first. But here’s the problem — some people use friendships as an excuse to avoid sharing their true feelings. They don’t want to get rejected. Then they get stuck in the friend zone. Don’t make this mistake. Try to form a friendship while dating someone. Then you’ll never have to worry about getting stuck in the friend zone again.
Harlan is the author of “The Happiest Kid On Campus: A Parent’s Guide to the Very Best College Experience (for You and Your Child)” (Sourcebooks). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com.
Send questions/comments to the editors.
