Dear Harlan,
After graduating from college, I moved back in with my mother and grandmother while I try to find work. Since no one in my family has ever really seen me live as an adult, I’m still treated as a child, and that means I have my mom, grandmother, aunts, older cousins and even a younger niece with a superiority complex constantly telling me everything I’ve done wrong in my life, what I should be doing and basically mothering me to death. For the past few weeks, they’ve been implying (or, in one instance, telling me flat out) that I should stop looking for work and just take care of my grandmother (keep in mind that none of them volunteer to help.) This wasn’t as much of a problem when my job hunt seemed completely futile. However, I’m inching closer and closer to a potential job offer in a town two hours away. The dilemma has left me on the verge of a breakdown: Do I stay, and let the resentment build that I’m being denied the chance to live my life on my terms, or do I keep searching and gain the scorn of my entire family for becoming “the bad grandchild?”
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
Go! No guilt. No regret. You’re not a bad grandchild. You’re a motivated, responsible and loving grandchild. Here’s your options: You can surround yourself with people who are too afraid to dream and unwilling to support you, or you can surround yourself with people who want you to be your happiest and be fulfilled. That’s why you need to go. But before you follow your passion, ask the people discouraging you why they don’t want you to live your dreams. Give them permission to be scared, afraid and wrong. Also, give yourself permission to discover something from them you didn’t know. Your family might not be against you, but dealing with something you didn’t know about. As you find answers, surround yourself with people who want you to be your best. The list includes mentors, friends, professors, career counselors and family members who believe in you. Find answers, find mentors, and find balance. Then you’ll be in a better place to appreciate your family and all of their flawed thinking. Your life belongs to you. Living your dream is not selfish. Keeping you from living it is selfish. P.S. If you’re on the verge of a breakdown, get professional help.
Dear Harlan,
What’s the best way to build a better relationship with my dad? Now that I’m in college, I feel like the time has passed to be closer and smooth over our relationship. Is there still a way to reconnect? If so, what’s the best way to build something better?
Estranged
Dear Estranged,
The best way to build something better? Work on it. Sure, you want your dad’s love and approval, but as you get older, you’ll become better equipped to understand him and why he can or can not give you what you want. Before you reconnect, you’ll need a support system in place and a plan. Reach out to counseling services at school and find a therapist to lean on. Make sure you have people to guide you so you can figure out what you want, how to approach your dad to get it, and the next move after taking your risk.
Send questions/comments to the editors.
