Dear Harlan,
I have a hard time finding women who want to date me. I’m a nice guy and frequently get put in the friend zone. Should I change my approach when I meet a girl? Would it be better to show my intentions right away by asking her out? The getting-to-know-you approach hasn’t worked in the past. My hang-up is that I don’t want to be creepy and overbearing asking a woman out right away. By the way, I’m told I’m an attractive guy.
Friendly Guy
Dear Friendly Guy,
Being friends with a girl isn’t a bad thing. Women date their friends all the time. It’s all how you get there. There are guys who start off as friends because they’re too afraid to share their true feelings and end up in the friend zone (that’s you). Then there are guys who make their feelings known early in the friendship and get put in the friend zone. The difference between the two is dramatic. A woman who knows you’re interested but sees that you’re willing to be friends is a different situation. She always knows you like her but respect her enough to just be friends. That makes you far more attractive in the future. Try this approach and see what happens. To make this change, you have to give yourself permission to be creepy at times. This doesn’t mean trying to be creepy. It means appreciating that whenever you ask a woman on a date, there’s a risk you will come off as creepy. That’s the nature of taking romantic risks. As long as you’re not taking risks while drunk with your pants around your ankles at 3 a.m. in a dark alley, don’t worry about being too creepy. Should a woman say “no,” find out why she’s not interested. If she’s in a relationship, let her know you’d be happy to be a friend. Who knows — one day, she might realize you’d be a much better boyfriend than just a friend. Then you’ll move from the friend zone to the boyfriend zone.
Dear Harlan,
How do you think a gay male student should go about finding a date if guys don’t carry around signs saying they are gay or straight? The school I’m attending doesn’t have an active gay social scene. I find it hard to find people to approach. How can I find a guy who wants a relationship, not just sex?
Gay College Guy
Dear Gay College Guy,
Advertise. Start with your Facebook status. Join an online dating site and spell out exactly what you want (be open to distance). Start an LGBT organization on your campus. Join national LGBT organizations for college students. Ask friends to fix you up with other men. Show your gay pride by wearing your favorite LGBT T-shirts. Put a rainbow pin on your backpack. Form friendships with other gay men. The challenge with looking for gay students is that there’s a range of comfort when it comes to being out and available. The more comfortable and out you can be, the easier it will be for people to find you. Do the world a favor and make yourself as accessible as possible. Appreciate that if you’re having this problem, other gay men on campus are asking the same questions. Help them find answers by finding you and making yourself available.
Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com.
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