Dear Harlan,
A lot of people say that the best relationships happen by accident and what is meant to be is meant to be. In your expertise, do you find this to be true? Does trying to make it happen make a relationship less natural? Is it better to have it be an accident, or for it to happen on purpose?
Making a Relationship
Dear Making,
Who are these people? And why are you listening to them? How a relationship starts doesn’t make it less natural. Love that starts by way of a fortunate accident isn’t better than love that starts other ways. In fact, it can be more dangerous. When dating isn’t an accident, it’s easier to avoid getting in accidents. Having control over the process makes it easier to avoid losing control in the future.
Dear Harlan,
Four months ago, my girlfriend of almost two years broke up with me. I recently went on a second date with the first girl I’ve been interested in since the breakup. Even though it seems that we’re both interested in each other, it’s been a bit of a struggle getting myself accustomed to the fact that I have to completely restart for it to be a relationship. I also am hesitant to become too attached after the disappointment I went through after my long-term relationship. Any tips or advice?
Slow Go
Dear Slow Go,
When you get hurt, and you don’t know how you got hurt, it’s hard to date again. It would be like going for a run, breaking a bone during the run, and not knowing you broke your leg. If that’s the case, it would be hard to take another run without being scared or cautious. Go slowly. Focus on what you want. Go into this looking to share an experience. As you date, make sure you have a life outside of the relationship that gives you meaning. Spend time with her because you like her, not just because she likes you. Don’t look at this as starting over. Look at it as building on what you’ve learned along the way about yourself and dating. It might be a new relationship, but you won’t make the same mistakes — that is, as long as you understand what happened in the past and how you can avoid the same missteps in the future.
Dear Harlan,
I’ve been talking to this guy for three years now for the wrong reason. I’m scared to leave him. We officially dated for a year, then after that we’ve been off and on. While we’ve been off and on, I talked to his brother. There was no intention to date him at first, but then his brother told me I was pretty. We talked for a week until his brother found out. After that, his brother and I stopped talking. Ever since then, I’ve been really sad because he was the first guy to treat me as well as my ex treated me. Everyone’s telling me to forget about him because there’s no way for us to be together. Do you believe this too?
Scared Single
Dear Scared Single,
I don’t believe it. There are a lot of ways for you to be together. And it would be just as awful. You’re not looking for a boyfriend; you’re looking to be rescued from the land of the single and searching. Want to fix this? Get some help. Figure out why you can’t be alone. Only then can you be with someone.
Harlan is author of “Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober)” (St. Martin’s Press). Write Harlan at harlan@helpmeharlan.com or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Send paper to Help Me, Harlan!, 3501 N. Southport Ave., Suite 226, Chicago, IL 60657.
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